Monday, April 11, 2011

A post for my love...

Love is a funny thing. It is a big and encompassing thing. And most of the time it is absolutely wonderful. But the enormity of it all presents strange problems. I have struggled with my own sense of identity. My goals have changed drastically. I'd like to think they have evolved. I never thought I would care more about someone else than myself, but I do. And there's no other way I'd want my life to be. But sometimes it makes me think about the changes I've made and I wonder what my life would be like if I never met you. Maybe I'd be in Illinois, still pursuing my PhD. Maybe I'd live in California or Canada. Maybe I wouldn't be living at home. Maybe I would have roommates and maybe I'd be dating someone else. But none of that is true and I would never want to have lived the past 4 and a half years without you.

I think the hardest part of love is the fact that sometimes it feels inescapable. What dumbass kind of person would want to escape love? I certainly don't want to, but sometimes I wish it was possible. Just to know that I could exert my free will and be completely alone if I really wanted to. And the moments that I feel that way are fleeting. Of course I don't want to be alone. To be completely honest, I think that the inescapability of our love is what I treasure most about us. I couldn't leave you, couldn't be without you if I tried. Love is eternal. It transcends anger and disagreement. It continues on even after our bodies wear out and our memories fade. Love is a force of life that continues even after we die. Love gives strength. It is supportive. It is the glue that holds lives--my life-- together. Love has made me a stronger, more patient, more understanding person.

Love has made me question whether or not I have free will. Is loving you a choice? The me I was before I met you valued free will and individuality above all else. But I don't choose to love you. Just by the virtue that you are the person you are forces my hand. I need to love you. I am destined to love you. I can't help but love you. Your patience, your intelligence, your compassion, your nerdy sense of humor, the way you smile, the depth of your gorgeous blue eyes. These are just a few of the many many things I love about you. And every day I discover more things about you I love. And your love has changed me. I am not the girl I was before I met you. I have grown into a more confident, more accepting, more patient person. My capacity to love has multiplied beyond belief.

Without you, life would be less. My joy would be muted, my expectations would be lowered, my determination would be weakened. Falling in love is like seeing in color for the first time after a life time of grayscale. Black and white may have seemed like enough, but after experiencing full vibrant technicolor, anything less would pale in comparison.

Some people would say that their significant other completes them. But I'd like to think that you enhance me. I was a whole person, but now I'm a better person because of you. You are my light in the darkness. You are my comfort during sorrow. You are the sunshine on a warm summer day. You make me happier than I ever thought I could be.